The Story of "US"...A modern day Cinderella story

John 8:7(b) Jesus said to them, "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

It was about 19 years ago when my life had spiraled completely out of control and I had walked far away from God. At that time, My (now) husband, Larry and I had been dating for 4 years. Though I grew up in church...I had walked away from God completely during my first marriage. Most of you have read my story about being raped at 13, that act and my family life, threw me into making a lot of bad/wrong decisions with looking for "love" in all the wrong places. My first husband and I had both destroyed our first marriage with infidelity and I was struggling with the fact that Larry was living in Pennsylvania, 800 miles away and at this point he was liking the bachelor life so much that he didn't want to get married again. The original plan was that he would live in PA for 1 year and then I would move up there and we would get married, but I never had the heart to move my son away from his dad so I didn't move up there. Larry and I flew back and forth every other weekend to see each other but it was still REALLY tough.

Many of my bad decisions have not only been without God but have also been with the help of alcohol. The company I worked for at the time (19yrs ago), would shut down for 3 days each June and have a party...a party at the bar on the first floor of the building we worked at, a party at a local bar down the street, a party at a farm that the owner of our company owned...mix alcohol and loneliness and you have a good idea of my 3 days of partying it up. I do not judge you if you drink but it destroyed my childhood and almost destroyed my adulthood...I pray I never touch a drop for the rest of my life.

The company would fly in all the sales guys from around the US for those 3 days. The first night on the dance floor I danced with a guy whom at the time, I didn't know was married with 3 kids. By the second day, we had stayed the night together. I had not been on birth control but he had assumed that I was...weeks later, I had discovered I was pregnant.

Larry had flown in to visit for the 4th of July and I told him I was pregnant...in that moment in time...I was so scared but he held me, told me he loved me and then asked me to take him to the airport...he left.

When Larry got back to PA, he called and said that our relationship was over - I told him that our relationship didn't start over the phone and it sure wasn't ending over the phone...though we talked much less and our every other weekend visits turned into every other month visits...he was still there for me as a friend.

The guy that got me pregnant had now told his wife and they agreed it would be best for me to have an abortion. Their idea was for him to fly back to St. Louis (he lived in NJ) and go with me to get the abortion. He would arrange it all, come with me and pay for it all. The husband and wife pressuring me to get an abortion was weighing heavy on me and I was very distraught. I left work early one day because I was so sick over the whole ordeal...I felt that having an abortion was wrong and I didn't believe it was the right thing for me to do but I was a single mom who had just bought a house...I didn't see how I was going to provide for my son and this new baby. Thanks to God and a great friend (Marie...I'm forever grateful!), I had just started going back to church. When I left work I decided to go to the church to see if anyone was there that I could talk to. By the grace of God, the Pastor was there. It's amazing because it was a Wednesday and his office hours were only until 2 on Wednesdays and it was after 3 but he was still there...Thank you Jesus!!! I told him all about what had happened, he made it clear that he did not judge me but that he believed abortion was wrong, he explained why and prayed with me and let me know that the church would stand with me in whatever decision I made.

It was an EXTREMELY rough time but I decided to NOT get an abortion...however, I was still questioning God concerning everything. I finally asked God that if He was real, to reveal Himself to me in 3 specific ways...He did each of the 3 things that I had asked and I knew that I knew there was a God.

After I had my daughter in February 2000, I was in the hospital and was holding her...I asked God, "How can you bless me with this beautiful life after all that I've done?" His reply was almost audible and He said to me, "Because I love you, now go and sin no more." ~ Job 33:16 "He speaks in their ears and frightens them with warnings to turn them away from doing wrong." I knew He was calling me out of that perpetual lifestyle of sin that I had accepted so easily. I was not a slave to a wicked step mother like Cinderella but I was a slave to my own fleshly desires of sin. I knew at that very moment I was to lay that life down and accept the only Love that could ever carry me through. The love of my heavenly Father. Though I had grown up in church...I had never been taught that Christianity is more than just going to church...it's about a relationship with Jesus Christ.

My daughters dad requested paternity testing and it proved that he was her dad.

Larry had never really been to church and didn't really know if he believed there was a God but he had started going to church with me when he was back here in St. Louis. Sometime around June of 2000 he had given his life to the Lord and felt that God was calling him to move back to St. Louis to marry me. So in August of 2000 he quit his job in PA and moved back here to St. Louis...in November he asked me to marry him. We were married March 6, 2001 and we began proceedings for Larry to adopt my daughter. Her father gave up his rights and Larry adopted her that year.

I have been FOREVER grateful that I did not abort her. She is a miracle in my life!!! She is very smart and funny and brings such joy to our lives. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for her life and wouldn't know WHAT I would do without her here...I know that she was born "for such a time as this."

It's not been easy but our soon to be 15 years of marriage is proof that God is merciful and gracious. I feel like we have the modern day Hosea & Gomer story from the book of Hosea in the Bible. I thank God for the prince that he brought to me who has loved me through it all...even when I didn't know how to love and forgive myself. What a blessing it is to be married to my best friend! Thank you God for rescuing me!!!

Here we are on the day of our wedding, March 6 2001, on Shoy's Beach in St. Croix, USVI with my parents, and my children, Michael and Heather.

The grace of God and His goodness has been so evident in my life!!! I haven't always done everything right but that's where God's grace shines...He is FOR you...He's NOT against you! If you have had an abortion...we extend God's love, mercy and grace to you...I pray that you will find God's love and forgiveness and will forgive yourself. I pray that God calls you to Himself and that you would submit yourself and your life to Him.

I'm putting my past in the hands of my Redeeming God and trusting Him with the outcome of it!!! Thanks Christine Caine for posting this last week...it speaks volumes to me!

"For I know the thoughts that I think towards you," says the Lord, "Thoughts and plans of good, for Hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Forgiving my rapist

Well - I knew it was coming...I knew not only was God calling me to "forgive" the man who raped me but He was also calling me to write to him and tell him that I forgive him and to lead him to Christ.

I feel confident that this portion is now complete...I feel secure in my decision to forgive and the healing that it has brought.

Here is the letter that I wrote to him:

It’s been 30 years since that horrific night for me. With 2 days ago being National Forgiveness day, I felt it was time to release you, time to tell you that I forgive you. Forgiveness has not come easy for me but God has walked me through it. I will not tell of the act of what happened to me with your name attached to it but I will be speaking out about it.

My greatest concern is that you would know the true love and forgiveness of God Almighty.

In Matthew 18 (quoting from the Message Bible) Peter says, “Master, how many times do I forgive my brother who hurts me? Seven? Jesus replied ”Seven! Hardly…Try seventy times seven.”

That’s a whole lot of forgiveness and if Jesus can forgive…I too can forgive. Does this mean we can be the best of friends…not likely but it does mean that I care about your soul making it to heaven and that to me would be better than us being friends anyway!

Romans 6:23 (MSG) says “Work hard for sin…and your pension is death.”

(The below is an excerpt from Billy Graham on Forgiveness taken from my Message Bible) There is a high price to pay for low living, and sin is no respecter of persons. The only way for sin to be taken away is at the cross. God loves you and will forgive you if you will come to Him. “The Lord your God is gracious and merciful and will not turn His face from you if you return to Him.” (2 Chronicles 30:9 NKJV) There is no sin that you have ever committed that the blood of Jesus Christ cannot cleanse. Christ can turn your life around and make a beautiful design out of it. If you are filled with doubts and troubles, pain is within your heart and conscience. Christ can make you to be everything you ought to be if you will put your trust in Him. Coming to Christ doesn’t make you perfect. Suppose you accept Him and you mess up? You confess it and He is faithful and just to forgive you of your sin. Surrender your life to Him.

New Here???

It's helpful if you read my life story in order so click on the 2009 link on the right hand side and go from there. In the future, I will be working on getting the posts to show up in that way. Thanks & God bless!!!

The Run...It's Done!!!

I was emotional leading up to the event and I really thought it was going to be an emotional day for me but it really wasn’t and that was a great relief! I’m trying to stop my mind thinking that healing needs to look like this or that (that I needed to be all emotional for the healing/past of this event to take place). I feel that God had me run for a reason...I’m still trying to process what that reason is. (Maybe there’ll be a “Run for Raped & Sexually Abused Victims”) Nevertheless, I know that God had me run “For such a time as THIS”!!! Maybe you would continue to pray for me that God would reveal anything He wants to from this, that I’ll hear his voice just as clearly as I did when He told me to “Choose to Run”.

The run itself was difficult but good. I marveled at the symbolism of the run compared to my true life event – there were 13 miles to symbolize my 13 years before being raped and .10 miles to run to the police station/the end...13.1 never felt SO good!!! (Freedom!!!) Believe it or not, a week ago I hurt my ankle on the 8mile training run but my ankle stopped hurting at the start of the run and really didn’t bother me until about mile 10 when EVERYTHING in my body was wanting to quit and aching....I stuck it out and though I was a bit slower than I had hoped (finishing at 3hours & 3 min)...I didn’t have to be taken out of the race for medical reasons or have to be picked up by the wagon because I was too slow so those are both good things. It was great to spend time with the Lord just knowing I was doing what He asked/called me to do and knowing the completion of it all was behind me. And kind of comical for me to pass a penny on my run facing heads up right smack dab in the middle of the two yellow lines I was running down around mile 9...those that have read my blog will understand the symbolism of that.

I’m not sure what my future holds as far as running goes but I know my healing is complete and God has a plan and a purpose for all of this. I do know I’ll need some new running shoes cause mine are officially “retired” after their 135 miles these last 2 months.

Choosing to Run...

When I was 13 years old, I was held down and forcibly raped by a guy that I babysat for and kept there to endure more at a later time in the night. During the in-between time of events, I had an opportunity to “RUN”. There was a police station a block away and I was one of the FASTEST cross country runners at school...if I had only gotten up off that couch and “RUN”.

Why didn’t I run? I was afraid...FEAR kept me from running. Thankfully God was with me then and God is with me now!!!

In April of this year, (after 27 years) God told me it was time to forgive the guy who raped me. I walked through that process and I forgave him and it was one of the most freeing things for me!

And now...it’s time to RUN!

Over the last few months, I have been training to run the St. Louis 1/2 marathon (13.1 miles)...not because it’s anything that “I’ve” ever wanted to do but it’s more of a command from the Lord for me. I’m suppose to “Choose...to RUN”! I’ve tried to quit a couple of times but God has awaken me in the night telling me “Choose to Run”. Therefore, that’s what I’m choosing to do...that 13 year old girl can get off that couch and run...fear will NOT keep her there any longer!

I’m not the FASTEST runner anymore but I don’t care about times...I just want to FINISH the race! Jesus is who He says He is and I can testify by what He’s done in me...I’m an Overcomer!!!

Finding Forgiveness...I am FREE!!!

The other day, I was headed to lunch with my wonderful hubby when the Holy Spirit directed me to turn around and go here...

No, I'm NOT a World War II Veteran and sadly enough, I did not go there to honor one of them. The monument stands on the grounds of where the house was that I was raped in 27 years ago...WOW...have I really been holding on to all of this for that long? (to read that story, click here)

Driving up the street next to where the house used to sit brought back SO many memories...the police station on the right hand side and my old church on the left hand side both at the end of the street but only a block away from where I was raped.

I parked my car in a space where the Fire station is now and walked down to the monument. With tears flowing down my face, I stepped off the paved walk way and attempted to walk to the place where I last was 27 years ago in that house...where I was held down on the floor and where I cried all night on the couch. I even visualized the door that I just couldn't make it out of to run to the police station.

I cried so many tears, I wasn't sure there were anymore within me. I walked back to the paved memorial area and sat on the bench for awhile. I then decided to FORGIVE. You see forgiveness has NOTHING to do with the other person but it was for ME...I HAD to forgive...it was time. So to get it out in front of me...I decided to make myself a visual...

I FORGIVE YOU!

I CHOOSE to forgive!!! I AM FREE!!!

9 months later...

"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy"... John 10:10
NO, I didn't have a baby from being raped but oddly enough, I did start babysitting again 9 months after that incident.

So now it's May 1985, I am 14 and I'm finishing up the 8th grade. I begin sitting for a family...I had known the wife who was 39...we grew up on the same street.

Since being raped...I now realized that I had what it took to get a guy's attention...I had been sexually abused off and on for over 10 years by this time. I have to say that I didn't even have to "try" to do anything to get this man's attention...it just "happened". He was 42, we had JUST met...I mean as in within an hour, his wife left us at the house with the kids while she did some running around...I was also hired to help with her home based business. She brought me to her house, introduced me to her family who was all outside, she left and the husband within an hour came into the bedroom where I was working and began talking to me...I was standing up at the time and he just walked up and planted a kiss on me. This was the beginning of our 1 1/4 year affair.

I'm not sure HOW these two events (1. being raped by a 29 year old and 2. having an affair with a 42 year old) seem so different in my mind but it must be because one seemed to be about power & control and the other seemed to be about love & acceptance (of course that was a "false" love - but one of making me feel good at the time).

Of course we didn't stop at a kiss and within the week we were having s*x...this was the FIRST time I had s*x since being raped...now I feel just AWFUL about the affair but back then...I was looking for love in ALL the wrong places. I didn't have love and affection coming from my dad and sexual abuse/rape takes you either 1 of 2 ways... 1. promiscuous or 2. never wanting to have sex again.

Unfortunately for me...I became promiscuous.

I find it interesting that most everyone in the comments section of Sheila's post concerning babysitting and part of my story of being raped, picked up on the fact that their husband's shouldn't drive their babysitters home alone. This became our time to "be" alone...he would drive me home and we'd stop behind the school and we would have sex.

He told me he loved me, he always treated me special but after 1 1/4 years...I realized it wasn't like he was going to leave his wife for me and I didn't know how to end our relationship. In August of 1986, a friend of mine got murdered while babysitting. This really freaked me out and scared me so I decided that I'd quit babysitting.

And, that was that...but it was only the beginning of my promiscuity. Not sure how much more of my life story I will share...thinking back is rough and the healing is painful.

So thankful that God sent Jesus Christ to bare all of my sins and set me free to enjoy life to the fullest!!!

A Penny for Your Thoughts...oh how I Hate that saying!!!

When I was 13 I began my first babysitting job. My brother was friends with a family who lived down the street from my church at the time and they needed a sitter. He introduced our families and I became the sitter for their newborn baby. They became friends with my mom and dad and the wife and I became very good friends...I felt we were "best" friends...as best as a 13 year old and 20-something year old could be. She took me places with her and treated me like a person instead of like a kid. The husband and I got along just fine...nothing out of the ordinary.

In June 1984, the wife and I were out with the baby in her car. We were looking for an address and didn't see a car stopped in front of us yielding to turn...we smashed into the back of the guy. The baby was fine. There were no seatbelt laws back then and I was in the backseat with just my right butt cheek on the seat and my head out the window looking at street numbers when we hit. I was thrown between the backseat and the front seat several times. This impact made the drivers seat tilt all the way to the stearing wheel on the left hand side and put a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE bruise on my left hip bone/upper leg. The wife was hurt the worse hitting the windshield. The paramedic's looked at my hip and said they thought it was ok and had me taken to the police station to wait for someone to pick me up.

After the husband visited the wife at the hospital he had to get some things from their house and my mom didn't have a car to pick me up so I waited there until he came to the police station and got me. He took me back to his house to stay with the baby while he planned to go back up to the hospital. Before leaving to go back to the hospital he asked me if I had been hurt...I told him my hip was bruised and he said that I should show him so he could make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital. I told him the paramedics already looked at it but he insisted so he could make sure I was ok.

Of course I had to undo my pants to show him my hip...I assume this is what got the wheels turning in his head because he began to plan out my next "unfortunate" event.

Thankfully, other than the wife's night or two stay in the hospital...we were all ok. She recovered quickly and he wanted her to celebrate by going out with her girlfriend and stay out all night. He wanted me to babysit all night so he could go on a trip.

It was a Friday night in August 1984. I had put the baby down for the night and around 10pm or so, the door opened and in the husband came to the house. I was surprised that he came home from his trip early and he began to share with me that he never had a trip...he had planned this whole event out and had just come home from a bar to spend the night with me. (I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that...I would soon find out)

He asked me to make us something to drink so I went to the kitchen to get 2 cups and some ice. He came into the kitchen and told me that I never gave him anything for his birthday...he turned 29. I asked him what he wanted, he said a kiss would do...I am uncomfortable at this point and not knowing what I should do. I kissed him on the cheek and thought that would be it...it wasn't.

I got our soda and we continued to talk while I tried to avoid any closeness to him or responding in a way that would make him think I was ok with the way he was acting toward me.

By this time in my life I had been sexually abused and man-handled by lots of men/boys but never beyond being touched...unfortunately...that was about to change.

Eventually, he told me to put my drink down, he sat down on the floor and told me to come down to the floor next to him. I told him "no" that I would just stay in the chair...he reached up to turn off the light and pulled me down to the floor...it was forceful but not too rough. He commanded me to take down my pants...I told him I didn't want to do this...he took them down and held me down...he raped me. 2 Samuel 13:14, "He would not heed her voice; and being stronger than she, he forced her to lay with him."

I tried to push him off...he was 210 pounds, I was less than 110 pounds...I couldn't get him off of me. (I was surprised to find this in 2nd Samuel 13:14 MSG "But he wouldn't listen. Being much stronger than she, he raped her.") As he was holding me down, he told me how lucky I was that his wife and him had a very active sex life...meaning that he could hold out for a while...I cried out in pain and just prayed it would soon be over.

It felt like it was FOREVER...he eventually finished and ejaculated in the toilet...I wish I would have known what that meant (my mom did me a favor by NEVER talking to me about sex and I didn't know "what" it took to get a girl pregnant...therefore, I not only became scared by what had just happened...I also became filled with fear that I might be pregnant), he came back and cleaned my blood off the carpet...proof that I had still been a virgin...sad that I never got to have the "choice" to give my viriginity away.

I thought he'd take me home but no such luck...I was there for the night...there to be put through further torture later. When he went to bed he asked if I wanted to sleep in the bed with him and I said no, I'd sleep on the couch in the living room. He assured me that he'd be back in a while to pay me a visit.

I laid on the couch crying the entire night...scared of what had transpired, scared that I might be pregnant, scared that my dad might find out and either 1) not believe me or 2) kill him, scared of what was going to be coming, and too scared to get up, reach for that door knob that led to the outside and run like crazy to the police station right up the street. Yes, you heard me right...I laid there all night too afraid to get up and run...there was a police station about a block away and I laid there in fear. I was one of the fastest cross country runners in our elementary school...I was too afraid. I've had nightmares over and over again, trying to get off that couch in my nightmare...but I never make it to that knob...I just never make it out that door in my nightmare or in real life.

About 1am in the morning he came back...gave me the option of sex or other things, I chose the "other" things. I'll try to spare you of more graphic details...being raped was bad but that hour was WORSE...I would have loved to have run and not to have endured what happened then.

And of course during that whole time he kept saying "A Penny for Your Thoughts"...I had never heard of that before or even knew what it meant but I can tell you...I've hated that phrase every since that night.

I cried and prayed the remaining time that I had there...just waiting for daylight to come and for me to get home...which was an oddity itself with the family life that I had at that time (my parents were alcoholics and I always did ANYTHING to get away from home).

The morning events are a blur so I don't remember if his wife came home or if we went and picked her up but I do remember him telling me that if I told ANYONE about it...he would say that I was lying and there's no way that they'd believe me because I was a kid and he was an adult...they'd believe him.

He took me home and I reclused to my bedroom...which wasn't out of the ordinary when I was at home so my family didn't know. At some point in time, I told my sister who is 4 years older than me...she didn't know what to do so she also kept my secret with and for me.

Less than a week later he decided to stop by our house to chit chat with my parents, he cornered me in the kitchen...he wanted to see what I thought of our night the other night and to let me know there was more where that came from if I was interested...WHAT!?! I told him to get away from me and ran to my room shaking.

I had previously agreed to babysit for them for the following weekend but when his wife showed up at our house to pick me up I went nuts...I wouldn't go, I couldn't go...and I lost my "best" friend as that was the last day that I ever saw her again. I always wanted her to know...I always wanted to tell her...what had happened, why I couldn't watch their son that night and sorry that I left her hanging. He was full of manipulation, deciet and lies so I'm not sure what he ended up telling her since I refused to go with her but I often wonder if they are still together...Only God knows. Should God ever place her in my path...I will tell her...I believe that is what I should do.

I have never shared the 'details' of that night with anyone other than speaking periodically with others about being "raped". My grandmother figured it out before she died and asked me if he had raped me...I told her that he did and she told me that she told my mom but my mom never said anything about it before she died. My dad doesn't know and since they were friends I often wonder if I'll ever tell him. I would love to and even though my dad's a different man now who doesn't lend himself to alcohol anymore, I still have a fear that my dad may seek him out to harm him for hurting his little girl.

I've only encountered being exposed to my rapist 1 more time since then...it's been within the last 13 years at the race tracks...I heard them announce his name on the PA and began to violently shake...my now husband figured it out and got me out of there.

I know that God works ALL things together for good of those who love him according to Romans 8:28 but I have struggled with this off and on for years...questioning God and where He was...I know now that He was RIGHT there with me. I know now that God doesn't make bad things happen but I also know that NOTHING happens to me without it being a part of God's plan...for one reason or another. God is my redeemer and my vindicator. (For the Lord will vindicate his people ~ Psalm 135:14)

The house that he raped me in was tore down about 10-20 years ago in the town next to where I currently live...a firehouse sits on the adjoining lot and a monument of some sort sits where the house was...I have never stopped to see it but I always say it's there in honor of my loss of virginity right there on that lot. There's a bench there...maybe someday I'll stop. Maybe I'll sit on that bench, take a look at that monument and thank the good Lord above that I lived, that He's saved me, that there is life beyond being raped.

I'm working at forgiving my rapist...I've said the words several times with his name out loud. I know forgiveness is really for me. I know the TRUE test would be when I could stand in front of him one day and have no fear, cast no judgement and love him like Jesus does. Praying one day I can respond like that. Praying that he comes to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

What satan intended for harm, God intends for good ~ Genesis 50:20

If you have been affected by rape or sexual abuse I know there are many resources out there available. I have not used any other than leaning upon the Lord. I've had to fight many a demons in my sleep and in my mind but God is so good to heal and restore. Feel free to leave me a comment or email me kritterblogdesigns {at} gmail {dot} com. I'm not sure what help I would lend but I can pray for you.

Psalm 9:9 The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

I feel like I must have had a sign on my forehead...

...that read "Easy target, young and foolish, all boys come manipulate me". Unfortunately, that's what happen. Our neighborhood was ALL boys except my sister, cousin and I. At the time, I thought it was great because I was pretty much a tomboy. But beginning at around 7 years old - I began being fondled by several of the neighborhood boys. Thankfully, nothing more than fondling took place with them. This spanned over several years, even into my early teen years when I was held at knife-point with a machete to strip down or I was going to risk getting my neck cut by an over drugged pothead who was high. I didn't strip down and am thankful for God's hand of protection but I'm a bit ahead of myself...I still have a bigger story to share before this knife-point thing happened.

In to Trouble

About a year after my uncle and the penny incident my brother and I were playing in one of our rooms when he found a dirty magazine. While looking at it, he talked me into doing some of the things in the picture with him...at 5 I would say that I knew it wasn't "right" but he was older and said it would be fun...needless to say...it wasn't! We got caught experiementing and got the belt for it...

And so it begins...

...with a penny

I was just 4 years old when the sexual abuse for me began. I had swallowed a penny and went and told my mom and dad who told me to go lay down. We had an uncle visiting that day who over heard the conversation between me and my parents and quickly came to my rescue. I went to lay down on my lower bunk bed in the room that I vaguely remember my brother and sister also playing in at that time. My uncle came to me and laid down next to me - he told my brother and sister to not tell anyone that he was in there and told me he was going to rub my tummy to help the penny to come out. I just remember saying in my little girl voice, "But Uncle, that's not my tummy". He told me to hush that I would feel better soon.

Matthew 10:19b-20

Do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given to you in that hour what you should speak; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you. Lord lead me as I begin to blog about my life... (Published originally on March 2, 2009 but date changed to reverse post order)