When I was 13 I began my first babysitting job. My brother was friends with a family who lived down the street from my church at the time and they needed a sitter. He introduced our families and I became the sitter for their newborn baby. They became friends with my mom and dad and the wife and I became very good friends...I felt we were "best" friends...as best as a 13 year old and 20-something year old could be. She took me places with her and treated me like a person instead of like a kid. The husband and I got along just fine...nothing out of the ordinary.
In June 1984, the wife and I were out with the baby in her car. We were looking for an address and didn't see a car stopped in front of us yielding to turn...we smashed into the back of the guy. The baby was fine. There were no seatbelt laws back then and I was in the backseat with just my right butt cheek on the seat and my head out the window looking at street numbers when we hit. I was thrown between the backseat and the front seat several times. This impact made the drivers seat tilt all the way to the stearing wheel on the left hand side and put a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE bruise on my left hip bone/upper leg. The wife was hurt the worse hitting the windshield. The paramedic's looked at my hip and said they thought it was ok and had me taken to the police station to wait for someone to pick me up.
After the husband visited the wife at the hospital he had to get some things from their house and my mom didn't have a car to pick me up so I waited there until he came to the police station and got me. He took me back to his house to stay with the baby while he planned to go back up to the hospital. Before leaving to go back to the hospital he asked me if I had been hurt...I told him my hip was bruised and he said that I should show him so he could make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital. I told him the paramedics already looked at it but he insisted so he could make sure I was ok.
Of course I had to undo my pants to show him my hip...I assume this is what got the wheels turning in his head because he began to plan out my next "unfortunate" event.
Thankfully, other than the wife's night or two stay in the hospital...we were all ok. She recovered quickly and he wanted her to celebrate by going out with her girlfriend and stay out all night. He wanted me to babysit all night so he could go on a trip.
It was a Friday night in August 1984. I had put the baby down for the night and around 10pm or so, the door opened and in the husband came to the house. I was surprised that he came home from his trip early and he began to share with me that he never had a trip...he had planned this whole event out and had just come home from a bar to spend the night with me. (I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that...I would soon find out)
He asked me to make us something to drink so I went to the kitchen to get 2 cups and some ice. He came into the kitchen and told me that I never gave him anything for his birthday...he turned 29. I asked him what he wanted, he said a kiss would do...I am uncomfortable at this point and not knowing what I should do. I kissed him on the cheek and thought that would be it...it wasn't.
I got our soda and we continued to talk while I tried to avoid any closeness to him or responding in a way that would make him think I was ok with the way he was acting toward me.
By this time in my life I had been sexually abused and man-handled by lots of men/boys but never beyond being touched...unfortunately...that was about to change.
Eventually, he told me to put my drink down, he sat down on the floor and told me to come down to the floor next to him. I told him "no" that I would just stay in the chair...he reached up to turn off the light and pulled me down to the floor...it was forceful but not too rough. He commanded me to take down my pants...I told him I didn't want to do this...he took them down and held me down...he raped me. 2 Samuel 13:14, "He would not heed her voice; and being stronger than she, he forced her to lay with him."
I tried to push him off...he was 210 pounds, I was less than 110 pounds...I couldn't get him off of me.
(I was surprised to find this in 2nd Samuel 13:14 MSG "But he wouldn't listen. Being much stronger than she, he raped her.") As he was holding me down, he told me how lucky I was that his wife and him had a very active sex life...meaning that he could hold out for a while...I cried out in pain and just prayed it would soon be over.
It felt like it was FOREVER...he eventually finished and ejaculated in the toilet...I wish I would have known what that meant (my mom did me a favor by NEVER talking to me about sex and I didn't know "what" it took to get a girl pregnant...therefore, I not only became scared by what had just happened...I also became filled with fear that I might be pregnant), he came back and cleaned my blood off the carpet...proof that I had still been a virgin...sad that I never got to have the "choice" to give my viriginity away.
I thought he'd take me home but no such luck...I was there for the night...there to be put through further torture later. When he went to bed he asked if I wanted to sleep in the bed with him and I said no, I'd sleep on the couch in the living room. He assured me that he'd be back in a while to pay me a visit.
I laid on the couch crying the entire night...scared of what had transpired, scared that I might be pregnant, scared that my dad might find out and either 1) not believe me or 2) kill him, scared of what was going to be coming, and too scared to get up, reach for that door knob that led to the outside and run like crazy to the police station right up the street. Yes, you heard me right...I laid there all night too afraid to get up and run...there was a police station about a block away and I laid there in fear. I was one of the fastest cross country runners in our elementary school...I was too afraid. I've had nightmares over and over again, trying to get off that couch in my nightmare...but I never make it to that knob...I just never make it out that door in my nightmare or in real life.
About 1am in the morning he came back...gave me the option of sex or other things, I chose the "other" things. I'll try to spare you of more graphic details...being raped was bad but that hour was WORSE...I would have loved to have run and not to have endured what happened then.
And of course during that whole time he kept saying "A Penny for Your Thoughts"...I had never heard of that before or even knew what it meant but I can tell you...I've hated that phrase every since that night.
I cried and prayed the remaining time that I had there...just waiting for daylight to come and for me to get home...which was an oddity itself with the family life that I had at that time (my parents were alcoholics and I always did ANYTHING to get away from home).
The morning events are a blur so I don't remember if his wife came home or if we went and picked her up but I do remember him telling me that if I told ANYONE about it...he would say that I was lying and there's no way that they'd believe me because I was a kid and he was an adult...they'd believe him.
He took me home and I reclused to my bedroom...which wasn't out of the ordinary when I was at home so my family didn't know. At some point in time, I told my sister who is 4 years older than me...she didn't know what to do so she also kept my secret with and for me.
Less than a week later he decided to stop by our house to chit chat with my parents, he cornered me in the kitchen...he wanted to see what I thought of our night the other night and to let me know there was more where that came from if I was interested...WHAT!?! I told him to get away from me and ran to my room shaking.
I had previously agreed to babysit for them for the following weekend but when his wife showed up at our house to pick me up I went nuts...I wouldn't go, I couldn't go...and I lost my "best" friend as that was the last day that I ever saw her again. I always wanted her to know...I always wanted to tell her...what had happened, why I couldn't watch their son that night and sorry that I left her hanging. He was full of manipulation, deciet and lies so I'm not sure what he ended up telling her since I refused to go with her but I often wonder if they are still together...Only God knows. Should God ever place her in my path...I will tell her...I believe that is what I should do.
I have never shared the 'details' of that night with anyone other than speaking periodically with others about being "raped". My grandmother figured it out before she died and asked me if he had raped me...I told her that he did and she told me that she told my mom but my mom never said anything about it before she died. My dad doesn't know and since they were friends I often wonder if I'll ever tell him. I would love to and even though my dad's a different man now who doesn't lend himself to alcohol anymore, I still have a fear that my dad may seek him out to harm him for hurting his little girl.
I've only encountered being exposed to my rapist 1 more time since then...it's been within the last 13 years at the race tracks...I heard them announce his name on the PA and began to violently shake...my now husband figured it out and got me out of there.
I know that God works ALL things together for good of those who love him according to Romans 8:28 but I have struggled with this off and on for years...questioning God and where He was...I know now that He was RIGHT there with me. I know now that God doesn't make bad things happen but I also know that NOTHING happens to me without it being a part of God's plan...for one reason or another. God is my redeemer and my vindicator. (For the Lord will vindicate his people ~ Psalm 135:14)
The house that he raped me in was tore down about 10-20 years ago in the town next to where I currently live...a firehouse sits on the adjoining lot and a monument of some sort sits where the house was...I have never stopped to see it but I always say it's there in honor of my loss of virginity right there on that lot. There's a bench there...maybe someday I'll stop. Maybe I'll sit on that bench, take a look at that monument and thank the good Lord above that I lived, that He's saved me, that there is life beyond being raped.
I'm working at forgiving my rapist...I've said the words several times with his name out loud. I know forgiveness is really for me. I know the TRUE test would be when I could stand in front of him one day and have no fear, cast no judgement and love him like Jesus does. Praying one day I can respond like that. Praying that he comes to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.
What satan intended for harm, God intends for good ~ Genesis 50:20
If you have been affected by rape or sexual abuse I know there are many resources out there available. I have not used any other than leaning upon the Lord. I've had to fight many a demons in my sleep and in my mind but God is so good to heal and restore. Feel free to leave me a comment or email me kritterblogdesigns {at} gmail {dot} com. I'm not sure what help I would lend but I can pray for you.
Psalm 9:9 The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.
